Some rotten Apple© product planner…

…decided it.

If you want to transmit video from yer ipod to yer teevee, buy our pricey cable that we specially designed to perform this function.

Hey y’all, instead of buying Apples pricey cable, why doncha buy 1 for $3 from Radio shack (or use your old camcorder cable).

All Apple did was switch the colors around.

WTF!

Heh.

Defiinitely asshole worthy.

not an haiku

Is it hubris

a sense of entitlement

or impunity

that propels howard k stern

in his quest

to take over anna nicole smith inc.?

One heir down

and another ready replacement

a faux wedding to the junkie airhead

all help in staking his claim

machiavelli knows this man

NEWSFLASH: The United States already lags behind much of the industrialized world in broadband access.

And AT&T, Verizon – they want to keep it that way.

Keep the standards low and the prices high. Charge through the ass for additional speed.

“Broadband” at the Bell casa is “as high” as 384k- and that’s not even guaranteed.

FUCK!

And for this we pay $30+/mo? Shit, that’s not even 7x better than fucking dial-up!

“Broadband’ in most of the EU? 20mbps. At half the price we’re paying for <ahem> ‘broadband’ here.

That is some sick shit.

We’re getting shafted here in the blossom, if you hadn’t noticed.

They sit around the cigar smoke filled rooms drinking shandies with their pinkies extended, dreaming up new ways they can gouge Mr. and Mrs. American Consumer.

And they want to unload their ‘less-profitable’ customers because they’re spread farther and wider, and therefore too much bother.

At least the pre-break-up Ma Bell had some idea of what service meant, and took an interest in providing to everyone. They brought their services to those of us who live rurally. In the boonies. Out yonder.

Today, we’re too much trouble, and farmers aren’t important to their bottom line.

When this should be part of their charter.

Welcome to the great rip-off America gang-bang. Compassionate conservatism? Yeah, throw that on the dung-heap with trickle down economics, pal.

“Vermont — like all rural states — has higher fixed costs of providing service,”

I’m sick of tired about everything being about the bottom line, and then out of the other side of their mouth telling us how much they love their customers.

Fuck that.

We’re Americans fer chrissakes, we’re supposed to lead the rest of the world! We’re supposed to believe in equality! We’re supposed to stick together and hold out a hand and give our fellow Americans a boost up when they need it! Not be fucking slaves to the fucking bottom line, and look to please only the corporate shareholders. Who the fuck are they anyway, Der Fuhrer?!?

How about if their fucking spokesmodel said something like “We’re up to a challenge like that, because those customers deserve service too.”

But their fucking shareolders wouldn’t like that, would they?

Fuck you Polly Brown, you’re a reeeeeeeeeeeal asshole. Take the buttplug out and get a fucking clue!

Speaking of the fucking asshole American voter…

…who obviously doesn’t know (or care) about their fucking vote anyway, guess what? Some mother fuckers have figured this out and decided stealing them is the easy-peasiest best plan ever… and who’s ever going to notice anyway, hmmmmm?

And how you gonna fucking prove it? Eh?

We already know most of you fucking Americans don’t fucking bother to fucking vote anyway, and that most of the ones that do are assholes (purely base don the result), so WTF, you get the fucking people in office you fucking deserve. And so that’s who we’re stuck with, for two and a half more fucking years we got it (that’s right) the assholes choice… or is he?

“I’ve got a great way to steal this democracy. Let’s use our contacts to push for installing our proprietary voting machines”

That’s possibly how the scenario played out in Dieblod’s black vault. Every motherfucking asshole at Diebold- everyone, and I do mean everyone- every shit eating turd grinning vote-stealing accomplice. Fuck you, you fucking assholes you!

After reading this and this and this and watching this VERY REVEALING video, how is it possible to have any faith in a system which is so easily rigged- or worse, gives the wrong outcome.

Someone should tell the truth here. The election to public office isn’t a goddamn horse race. SO WHAT if a horse race is rigged-who fucking cares? I still have the same chance at winning than I did, since like most people you shove all I know about horses into a gnat’ s asshole with room to spare and anyway, my crystal ball fucking broke.

Voting OTOH is an exact science- at least, as long as ballots can be accurately counted. And seeing some of the retarded fucks that staff a polling place (church’s? WTF is up with that anyway?) I can’t help but wonder.

BTW, if any of you fucking American voters want to un-asshole yourself and help restore some faith into the fucking system, you could do worse than start here.

Now that she’s out of there for good,

what’s the odds she’ll wind up working for Homeland Security?

A perfect fit, an asshole and a iron fist.

I’ll leave it to you to figure out which is which.

Story

Hugo, you are the boss

Calling Clueless Bush the devil who farts (or belches?) sulfur (“I’ll never follow him on stage again”- John Kerry) was not only a very close approximation of his stature in the world today, but also the view of quite a few of his fellow countrymen, who recognize he’s no longer just “our idiot.”

Now, he also belongs to the world.

Clueless Bush and his cronies are doing their utmost best to make the world safe for big business and fancy finance and to better themselves (feather their nests) in anticipation of the bleak-looking world ahead (they fear the brown skin worse than you can imagine, Hugo), and help his friends the House of Saud and other megalomaniacs (wasn’t Saddam one of his daddy’s best buds once upon a time?) too (wait, aren’t they brown too? Nope, they’re green (not that kind of green)).

So, who is Hugo to criticize these fine upstanding citizens of the (ahem) world?

Well. Never-mind the casualties caused by invading the wrong fucking country are measured in increments of tens of thousand- which kind of makes it them all seem not quite important since they’re not white-skinned Americans but two different flavors of Muslim. Never-mind that Halliburton and even Princess Cruise Lines (¿Qué?) are raking in the cash hand over fist (“an unprecedented fleecing of America”) because of their close connections via lobbying and old ‘privitazation ties.’ Never-mind that Afghanistan is lost because of their unfuckingbelievable screw ups and inability to keep their eye on the ball.

They got it coming in each and every way. You’ve heard of the sacking of Rome? No Vandals here, just a few circle-jerking Republicans with their free hand in the cookie jar. They’re robbing us blind, no doubt about it, and it is just like Americans to stand idly by and, they’ll even politely close the gate after they’re gone (if there is still a gate left to close).

Okay, okay, so who exactly is the asshole here, I suspect your wondering? Not Hugo- he’s telling it like it is from his point of view. John Bolton, the poor man’s Robert Bork? (Yes, they got him through, this is what happens when you remove checks and balances from the system: SHIT oozes through the cracks.) George Bush? Dick Cheney? Fidel Castro? Kofi Annan?

Too bleeding obvious.

How about the American voter, for setting these fucks up in office in the first place, and re-electing them when they already knew about their ‘character issues.’

Amen, motherfuckers. I vote you today’s asshole.

Pucker up, Asshole

Arlen Sphincter, c’mon down!

You’re an asshole of the greasiest kind!

By quietly seeking a remedy to Clueless Bush’s law breaking (by wire tapping innocent Americans instead of actually doing his job, nailing evil-doers), it essentially condones Clueless Bush’s actions after-the-fact. Cool!

Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton must really be feeling lonesome.

And since the’yre attempting to do this on the quiet, and no major news outlets seem to think it’s a story worthy of even a few etherbytes (c’mon, they’re practically free!), it’s essentially more proof (like we needed it) of the fourth estate’s abdication of responsibility.

Fortunately the people behind cnsnews got some cojones.

AsshOLe

The sick puppies that run AOL are at it again. They ripped me off (I had a similar experience as that guy that made this recording recently did) and it was clear to me A LONG FRIGGIN’ TIME AGO these were nasty, unrepentant, sneaky, underhanded, misrepresenting folks of the lowest caliber.

Assholes! If you need a person not an entire company of assholes to focus on that resembles a hairy ringed volcano, use a picture Steve Case. (Is Steve Case a dickhead or an asshole? I haven’t quite got that figured yet. He morphs from one to the other with seeming ease. A true master. Kudos.)

Special request: Does anybody have a link to a mirror of the AOL data that was released and then pulled- you know, the search data that went back several years?

I extracted myself from their clingy embrace nine years ago in what can only be described as bloodier than a coyote ugly move, so after so much time my search data might not be there. Too bad!

AOL seemed to regard the late 90’s boom time e-conomy as simply a license for larceny. Good one, Steve!

This time, they’re being accused of forging signatures, as well as welshing on payment. With an infomercial titan, no less!

(They deserve each other).

Just brings up all sorts of concerns about web based advertising, especially when it’s performance based. Who counts the clicks, and how do you substantiate them?

Line ‘em up, and we’ll keep knocking ‘em down.

Quote of the day:

“our general philosophy is, we want to lead through innovation as opposed to litigation. The user-generated content phenomenon is something we believe is only going to continue to grow and is probably unstoppable. We’d like to be a part of it and make it a great experience for consumers and make sure we and our artists are being rewarded.”

- Alex Zubillaga, Warner’s executive vice president for digital strategy

Rewarded for what? And how? Suing grandparents? Filing lawsuits using the deplorable “anonymous defendant” ploy where people can be sued, but are never named, until the day they were supposed to show up in court? What is that? Innovation?

For an asshole, sure.

Makes you wonder what sort of shakedown tactics were used against Youtube.

Buddy, when your business model is outdated, and your business is threatened with extinction like the dinosaurs you are, why not try and go out gracefully instead of the pathetic screeching old hag. “I’m melting, I’m melting indeed”

Like BP Solar, ATT ‘broadband,’ and the ‘mission accomplished’ in Iraq, ‘innovative record company’ is an oxymoron.

Clueless Bush’s whackjob AF Secy wants to ass-rape shit out of US

Been out protestin’ lately, exercisin’ your civil and constitutionally guaranteed (except in time of ‘war’) rights to free speech and assembly?

Expect your head to suddenly explode like a popcorn kernel (Not that you’ll ever know it when it happens).

Thassssss right, this turd squeezer wants to use microwaves and other means (not yet thought of- but give ‘em time!) for crowd control. (Let’s hope they only have them set to stun).

What’s next, torture?

Sure, they say ‘non-lethal’, but as we’ve seen at Abu Ghraib, and in the shuffling of prisoners into foreign torture hotels (terrorists check in, but they don’t check out), that means very little.

Torturer No. 1: Oopsy!

Torturer No. 2: What now?

Torturer No. 1: She died.

Torturer No. 2: What did I tell you about putting the ENTIRE tube of hair gel down someone’s trachea?

Torturer No. 1: Sorry. I thought this shit was supposed to be non-lethal.

Torturee: <fx: gurgling noises, sound of urine dribbling on floor>

Torturer No. 2: Oh well, it was only a Democrat.

Both Torturers: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Portrait of an All-American Asshole.

Hey, has anybody ever asked general captain fuckup here what in tarnation makes him think it’s okay to freely experiment on the general population of Americans?

Betting that his answer would be along the lines of “because.”

Drive a Volvo and enjoy the asshole lifestyle

To that Volvo driver that swooped past me this morning at 90 and then slammed on the brakes – Fuck You Asshole!

Spilled your fucking decaf latte too, motherfucker. Left skidmarks inside your pants too, I expect.

In the future, look farther ahead of you than that fucking soccer mom’s back hatch. That line of cars going up the hill- that’s called traffic. Slow down gradually. Not that you care, but you’ll have less of an impact on everyone else’s insurance rates if you do.

That’s not the first asswipe I’ve seen being stupid in a Volvo.

What’s up with these Swedish car driving morons? Not a day goes by I don’t see some unattentive, swerving, lane drifting, fucking asshole who happens to be driving a Volvo (Swedish for “I am retard”).

If they’re not reaching around to the backseat to slap their non-behaving kids upside the head, they’re chatting on the cell phone while taking notes and eating a chicken burrito.

It’s the worst thing Volvo ever did, selling their tin buckets as ’safe.’ All the people that expect to have accidents, or believe an accident is inevitable, choose Volvo.

Is it any wonder junkyards are full of them?

Volvo: The choice of cunts.
Call it a Vulva.

Drug Enforcement Agency, C’MON DOooown!

Hey, DEA, my backyard needs some weeding. I’m a taxpayer, and I can’t tell the difference between ditchweed, mary-jane, and my asshole so why don’t you come and check it out? Huh, bubby?

And make me a little path (a path! a path!) for the dog to take a shit, while yer at it, pal.

Who heads this assaholic agency, anyway? <fx: keyboard typing dea.gov> Karen Tandy, C’moooon down, you’re the next asshole o’ da day! Beyotch. Nice flag in the pic, too, BTW. Wrap yourself in it, it’ll magically ward off the slings and arrows of outrageous bloggers like a holy grail, and it’s as American as Mormon underwear, priests molesting altar boys, and incest in the Ozarks. Yawp.

I wanna hock a loogie I’m so hot and bothered by this waste!

What’s he on about? you must be wondering.

A recent report confirmed what many already presumed to be true- that 98% of the marijuana confiscated and destroyed is ditchweed- that is, not the illegal substance they like to point to their stats when they go beggin to Congress for more money, but the wild stuff growing in the wild that can’t even be cultivated for ‘use.’

It is a statistical pump, or slant, that makes them look good. They all do it, all these bureaucrats with their over-bloated budgets that behooves they spend it all or risk getting smaller budget next year (an anti-incentive). Thus, the most expensive weeding on the planet (the aliens watching us from above must be having a laugh).

At least, hire a Mexican or two, they’ll work a hell of a lot cheaper than those guys wearing the stinking badges.

How different is this from the straw ‘groups’ of muslims that get arrested, one for purchasing 1,000 cell phones (and later released) and our favorite, the Florida clowns that didn’t say ‘no‘ when an FBI agent asked “would you like to blow up the Sears Tower?” and were subsequently framed (much to that ageny’s embarrASSment) .

Shee-it, it’s not a clown house, it’s a whole goddam freaking three ring circus here. It’s beyond fixing; I gotta get me outa this place!

Don’t take NORML’s word for it. Here’s the report, read it and weep softly.

Wall Street AHole Part Deux

E Assholis Maximus. Henry Blodget, dot.com prognosticator, slime ball. He originally came to fame for picking a price, out of his ass of course, that Amazon.com would rise to. When it did shortly afterwards, the mental midgets at Merrill Lynch gave him a great title and a fat paycheck.

He was later the lead zookeeper of the Merrill Lynch Internet Strategies fund. Besides the obscene upfront charges this mutual fund charged investors the right to have this a-hole manage their money, it managed to loose over 700 million dollars in it’s first year. Way to go! Blodget plea bargained a deal in the post dot.com error that allowed him to not go to jail but he is banned from working in the securities industry for life. I think they should have put him in LA county for a year and let him be some gang member’s bitch. Would have served him right! Asshole!

Ass. District Attorney Kerry St. James, Dickless Wonder

A couple of guys see a bag of trash and, being hungry, hop over a fence and decide to feast. No harm, no foul. We see it everyday, and look the other way. It’s tough to see those less fortunate than us struggle, but we don’t, if we have half a heart, impede their progress. We wish them well.

But they got caught. So? Who cares?

Todays sphincter joy boy.

He’s threatened persprosecution and plea bargained them into submission. They’ll be serving a six month jail sentence; and restitution in the amount of- hold on to the top of your head- $15. Huh? Yep, you heard me right. For trash?
Whenever assholic Ass. Attorneys try to make a name for themselves, and in that pursuit pump up their conviction rates to improve their pesonal stats, lookout below! There’s a turd-a-droppin’!

Even the merchant, who’s trash these poor fellas consumed, thinks it’s ri-goddamn-diculous.

“These guys jumped over the fence and got some over-ripe produce. What they did, at most, was a temporary slip of judgment,” [Jonathon] Hieb said. “These guys are not criminals. For them to be in jail is ridiculous.”

Yep. Reminds me of the draconian punishments of yore- or of some Muslim countries. Why not chop off their hands?

As for St. James, that’s no way to live up to your name, asshole.

Does Barry Munitz know right from wrong?

From his vantage point, if it works in his favor, it’s right. If it were someone else in that same situation, erm, then its wrong. Right?

That’s the apparent conclusion one could draw from his latest scandal. And that’s because- wait for it- Barry has exhibited grade A+++ asshole behavior.

The Getty should fund our research here @ FuckingAsshole. Exhaustive it would be too. They’ll love to hang with us. Got a spare few million?

Anyway, back to the brown matter at hand.

This turd wrangler had to leave the Getty by popular demand, after that LAT exposé on his ‘excesses.’ Here’s a link to the latest scoop.

Whenever a public trust like the Getty is violated by a head who wants to lavish corporate spending on himself and his friends, well that’s the most egregious kind of assholly behavior. I mean, what did he think the Getty was, the freakin’ United Way?

Not only does the Getty itself have a few issues itself as an assholic institution, what with their dealings in the illicit trade in antiquities. But, spending millions to hang on to Barry Bollocks, long after it should have been clear to them he was a liability?

Keep reading- he’s got them fighting over him again (this time on your dime).

The Getty apparently got the corporate head they wanted. One who leads by example:

• ‘mentoring’ a couple of young women with Getty <ahem> ‘grants’
• paying for his Porsche
• having friends collect large sums in the form of <ahem> ‘grants’ for work never done
• traveling first class to destinations which might not have any real Getty business (230 trips in 7½ years – must be nice!) or the mere slightest thread of legitimacy (“Munitz justified charging the trips to the Getty by saying he was conducting a site visit for an upcoming Getty board meeting.”) so he could play with his billionaire ‘friends’

Chutzpah!

And then he apparently has the unmitigated gall (the mark of a true asshole- kudos Barry!) to get his cronies on the California State University Trustees board to reinstate his moldy old ass without a legally mandated public hearing.

Back room self-dealing – another mark of the true asshole!

Now get this! The board of trustees position: Munitz didn’t resign, he took “leave of absence.”

Dude, you left like nine years ago! Puh-lease. The fact that trustees would even fight this, when it’s so clearly wrong (that’s what the judge ruled Barry, sorry), is somewhat troubling: your hard-earned tax dollars at work.

People, do not worry about Barry. Not only does he (apparently) have the ear of people in positions to deal him favors; maybe he has something on them as well.

Make no mistake. According to the LATimes article, that Munitz was rehired is fact. That the board’s position is that he was on LOA is fact. That his salary would be double that of a 20 year professor is fact. That he would teach a single class for one quarter (teachers teach three classes for three quarters) of the school year- fact.

All that and a great big ‘tache to tickle the sphincter of up and coming artists after plying them with Getty dollars.

What an asshole!

Barry Munitz… saaaaaaa-loot!

Jim Cramer – Wall Street Asshole

Jim Cramer. The Mad Man. It seems unbelievable the NBC (via their CNBC) would endorse this guy. He appears to be the ringleader for the WASP mafia. It is almost as if they should show him playing 3 card monte each day instead of picking stocks. You would probably have a lot better chance of making money playing 3 card on your local street corner than taking Jim Cramer’s advice.

 

As if his stock prognostication was not annoying enough, this week he said you should have no worries about investing in companies that you find morally corrupt (like cigarette companies, oil, drug companies). It is just about making money. Did he not see Wall Street? Let’s hope that he gets cancer, looses his insurance from CNBC and can’t afford to pay for the cancer drugs. Fucking moral reprobate and overall Jack Ass!

Assholes are slimy petty sneak thieves, just like Verizon

Well it’s not the most egregious example of telcos overcharging us. But a dollar here and a dollar there repeated a few hundred million times into perpetuity soon adds up to some serious money.

That such a charge is bogus doesn’t seem to trouble our public telcos- or their shareholders, apparently. Or their customers, much.

The audacity of such a mediocre scheme is brilliant: who would notice? who would care?

Apparently someone did. Thank Ged.

In retrospect, despite this let’s fly under the radar liked drug smugglers plan for success, one has to wonder just how could the corporate officers could expect to get away with it.

Probably cos they do, repeatedly. Obfuscating the charges your phone bill is a science.

If you ask the average customer Have you ever tried to make sense of your phone bill? the answer would be ‘no.’

That aside, if someone spent a little time and energy (maybe fund a profit sharing watchdog agency that takes a percentage of what they recoup n favor of the consumer)(Oh, wait, that would mean class action lawyers would be involved, so we would see nothing)(nevermind). The telcos and cable cos have an unspoken agreement not to compete against each other in most markets- not giving consumers the choices promised by deregulation. Nor does this foster competition- the spirit deregulation was intended to accomplish.

Lobbying with dollars has paid off – big time. Making legislation that easy, well, it’s no wonder they feel free to put their hand in your pocket. They got us where they want us.

So what’s the latest scam by these shit sqeezing shincter boys?

When the Universal Service Fund Fee, which telcos have been collecting on behalf of the FCC, expired recently, they quietly decided to not let their customers know about how they’d be saving a few bucks a month. Instead, they decided to keep schtum, and create a new, bogus fee that would takes its place, and hope you wouldn’t notice.

Only this time, someone caught them. When someone shined the light on their little scheme, they had the arrogance to say something like:

“We have listened to our customers, and are eliminating the charge.”

B u l l s h i t y o u f u c k i n g a s s h o l e s y o u !

It took pressure from Consumers Union applied to a normally snoring FCC to get their feet off the desk and the newspaper off their heads.

And of course that grand explanation is par for the course example of corporate greed. What’s the real story?

“Verizon said the new surcharge was necessary to cover rising ’supplier’ costs associated with providing DSL for customers who do not also buy its phone service. Verizon is its own DSL supplier, however, so the new fees would have been going from one company pocket to another.”

How do you like dem dingle berries?

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