The attack of the Jonbenet Ramsey clones

and with the help of Beelzebub– I mean Disneythese parents are creating tomorrow’s little Frankenstein’s.

“Cynics note that today’s princess phenomenon got its start about six years ago, when Disney Consumer Products decided to gather seven of its female heroines — from Cinderella and Snow White to more can-do gals like Mulan and Pocahontas — and package them as a separate line called Disney Princess. The brand proved incredibly successful. Sales rose to $3 billion globally last year, from $300 million in 2001. Recognizing a winner, Disney now produces a mind-boggling 25,000 Disney Princess items, from lip balm to totes to DVDs.”

That Disney has long been a corrupting influence on our youth is worthy of a treatise (another time!). But essentially their business model has been to cannibalize or steal (license!) parables, remove the nasty bits (that teach valuable life lessons in the form of cautionary tales), neutralize any realistic archetypes, and puree into a sweet and sticky fantasy without any challenge.

Then, cash in and leave children the poorer for it all. Fuck you all very very much.

Disney? Cynical? It’s a fucking corporation you beyocthes, wake the fuck up!

The sad part is, when these girls finally wake up to the truth- that they area not princesses, that they are not beautiful (Nooo!), and that there will be no Prince Charming, they’ll have only their mothers to thank (where are these children’s fathers?) and commiserate with (Men!).

“She would say things like, ‘My voice isn’t pretty like Ariel’s,'” Kinsey says. “The same thing happened later with Snow White. She would say, ‘I want my hair to be dark like Snow White; I want my skin to be white like Snow White.’ I’d never heard her say anything to the effect of ‘I don’t measure up’ before, and it really bothered me. For some reason, with these princesses it became about her self-image, and that was really disturbing to me.”

Hey-ho! Hey-ho! Nothing a little cosmetic surgery can’t fix-ho!

Finding out there is no Santa Claus might be a small disappointment to most American children, but finding out you’re no princess- after years of being lied to by parents as they treat their daughters like one- is a rude awakening only our frienemies deserve.

It’s a witches brew. So suck on that, beyotches.

The brothers Grimm are turning in their graves- or maybe not. Maybe the can see their next fable: a dark and foreboding story about how a little girl was raised all her life by her parents in the suburbs to be a princess, only to… see! it writes itself!

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